Being Lost

Several posts separated these two in my Tumblr stream—

I never wanted to be a vagabond;
An aimless wanderer out in an open, neverending, loopful abyss;
Becoming lost,
Only to find it worthwhile finding myself;
Asking for one thing,
Only to continue seeking for more.

There are days when I can’t face it,
I can’t face being a vagabond;
I’d place a mask on my face,
Adding a fake constancy to a life meant to be unseltted;
Drawing a line to a frown,
Creating a smile that can not evenly hold without the line.

And vagabonds are supposed to be strong
And yet, I am as flimsy as they come;
Bending to the blows of the breath of winds,
Even when it does not blow;
Allowing myself to drown,
With all knowledge of my ability to float.

But, I choose to choose my choice,
This decision to be a vagabond;
Hoping to live everyday,
By dying to the lives that were not worth living;
Creating a space to allow for perfection,
In a world that only seems to eternally fall short.
Despite being presently in doubt,
As a vagabond, I receive presents in the present;
Granting this unsettled life with many keys and doors,
Plus a key shaper and a door-buster;
Writing my life’s story with invisible ink,
Only made visible when life is lived and the pages reread.
And I am assured as a vagabond,
To find truth by not agreeing with my lies;
Continuing to believe,
Even in the most impossible of beliefs;
Dreaming for the one day,
When I, a vagabond, will have no choice but to contradict myself.

—Earl Gerald Carlos